


selfish

by dainochild



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Based on another one of my fics and prolly wont make sense without having read that one, F/F, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Soft existentialism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-17 14:51:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3533474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dainochild/pseuds/dainochild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been five nights since she ran away from Hogwarts and all she can think about is how selfish she is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	selfish

**Author's Note:**

  * For [crossing---fingers](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=crossing---fingers).



> Prompt was: "Blue thinking about White during her time away from Hogwarts after she ran away?? Well, not White in general, but maybe just the outlook, if it isn't too spoilery??"
> 
> This only has vague spoilers for things I think are already obvious based on Blue and Silver's behaviour *points at tags* But yeah anyway this is 100% canon to the main fic.

She had been so sure Silver would come with her, but he turned away. Now all she had were memories filling her with longing she didn’t want as she lay on the ground, freezing and starving for the fifth night in a row.

White had said “I love you” seven days ago, passionately and miserably all at once, while she walked away with a cold “That’s nice” to cover her own hunger for the affection White had offered.

“I wanna understand,” White said.

“I wanna help,” White pleaded.

“I love you, I wanna be with you,” White cried.

And she walked away every time, because she didn’t want White to understand, she didn’t want anybody’s help, and love wasn’t made for people like her. Love was for people brave enough to look within themselves and offer what they found to others. She wasn’t even brave enough to look; what she found was sure to be terrible.

She did nothing but hurt the people who tried to love her. They did nothing but try to protect her. She didn’t want protection, she wanted safety. And that was why she lay alone on the ground, freezing and starving with no idea where to go.

She ran away because she was tired of not being safe. She ran away because Cyrus purred sweet offers of salvation that sounded too good to be true, too much like a proposition in the room Pryce locked them in every night for four years. Silver couldn’t protect her from Cyrus by fluttering his eyes or whispering about his father. And now that Silver’s father was actually alive again, she was a liability again. Something for Silver to suffer for. Something so useless she couldn’t even say “I love you too but I’m scared of how wonderful and brave you are, I’m scared of what you’d do if you found out, I’m scared of how far you’d go to protect me.”

So she ran.

She dreamt of being noble, brave, heroic, protecting them for a change, but her every instinct was the exact opposite. She acted only on self-preservation. She allowed others to suffer so long as she avoided discomfort. She could dream of making a different, but dreams were worthless. Dreams did nothing to stop the cold or the hunger. Most importantly of all, dreams did nothing to protect the people she’d left alone in a battlefield. She was selfish. She was weak. She was nothing.

And she had never been sure who she was without sibling or spouse to define her, so she replayed their protective actions in her mind until it became a mantra: You are selfish. You are weak. You are nothing.

She hoped one day she would wake up capable of protecting in return. Whatever it cost her would be nothing because _she_ was nothing. 

She was weak. 

And she was selfish.


End file.
